Today, true believers, I celebrate this Friday by blowing the lid and destroying for once and for all time, the Internet meme of Grumpy Cat! For I have solid information that Grumpy Cat isn't really grumpy, but something for which her owners and promoters should be ashamed of forevermore, and indeed, burn in the sulfurous flames of damnation itself! Along with Russ Swatek.
I have seen numerous videos of this Grumpy Cat, and in all of them, I can't help but notice how docile the animal is. Of course, I understand that she is literally not grumpy. But what is she?
Just look at this video from Anderson Cooper's show. What cat stays still like that? Any cat you know able to be held and passed around in front of a few hundred people in a television studio?
That's when I began to suspect that perhaps all is not well with this Grumpy Cat. So I wanted to learn more about this and found this in Grumpy Cat's bio:
"Grumpy Cat (born April 4, 2012), real name Tardar Sauce"
OK, so Grumpy Cat is only 18 months old. The lack of energy is all the more inexplicable. But.... what of this name. Tardar Sauce? What is Tardar Sauce??? And further searching tells us that the cat is known around the house as "tard".
A Google search for a food known as "Tardar Sauce" brings up..... nothing. We all know of tartar sauce, but not "tardar sauce". Which means two things. One, the cat's owners can't spell a simple word, or two, the cat's name has been changed.
But from what, and why? Hmm, let's think. The cat is low energy and has a glassy look in its eyes-- doesn't seem all there-- tardar sauce-- tardar--- tard--- oh my.
And thus I bring all the truth. I believe that Grumpy Cat was originally named for the infamous "R word" which isn't allowed in the HCPSS or in the NBA. Although a HCPD officer did use that word at a recent Oakland Mills board meeting regarding traffic calming.
This is a mentally challenged cat and its owners are exploting its nature for money. Which is kind of shameful, really.
I will leave it to you, gentle reader, to decide for yourself. I simply present a string of facts and offer a hypothesis which is supported by this overhwelmingly logical collection of facts.
I invite the owners of Grumpy Cat to offer evidence against my hypothesis here. What is tardar sauce? How does one enjoy tardar sauce? How is the animal always so docile? Why are the eyes so Marty Feldman-like? Questions that America and the world need answered.
Happy National Sausage Pizza Day! Let's be careful out there.